Sister Wound

The 3 wounds of the collective feminine are the Mother Wound, the Sister Wound and the Witch Wound. We will be focusing on the sister wound but integrating the other two as well.

Women don't trust other women. They feel hurt and betrayed by the females in their past, and they struggle to connect and belong, which is what draws them to circle in the first place.

There has been "a war on women" for centuries, and one of the "weapons of war" has been to pit women against each other. 

But deep down inside, women desire connection, support and authentic relationships with other women. They want to learn how to trust themselves and one another more.

Women have disconnected from the divine feminine, no longer in touch with the rhythms and cycles of the earth, their bodies, and their vaginas, so they no longer trust themselves and their own body wisdom. This lack of self-trust then manifests as a disconnect between mother-daughter and then ultimately sister-sister. A domino effect. It takes us all out.

1. Jealousy

It can be very challenging to admit to our jealousy of other women - and particularly our sisters - because it makes us feel less than and we don't want to admit that.

Especially in the spiritual community where we circle together and supposedly celebrate one another, jealousy always seeps in.

She got pregnant on the first try when you've been trying for years.

She had her wedding in Hawaii and you just went through an awful breakup.

She's got more followers than you.

She's more popular than you.

The list goes on.

Questions for growth:

Who are you jealous of? 

What quality within her/accomplishment/thing do you feel she has that you don't? 

What are you saying about yourself?

2. Cattiness

Subtly cruel or malicious; spiteful: a catty or snarky remark.

"How did she get on Oprah? She's not the first person I would pick as the spiritual leader of our generation."

Cattiness of part of the mean girl culture where we talk shit about other women, sometimes outright, sometimes subtly.

As said in Psychology Today:

The term "catty" is a sexually biased way of describing an unhealthy way women act on an otherwise healthy feeling of competitiveness.

We live in a culture where it is still considered more socially acceptable for a man to directly express his competitive nature. For women, this quality has  been shunned as undesirable. Many women are consequently uncomfortable with both their natural feelings of wanting something and their desire to compete to get it. Having evolved under the stigma of being the "weaker sex," women have historically been expected to be more covert or manipulative in their efforts to achieve success. Sadly, as women, we sometimes inadvertently strengthen this false notion of gender norms by failing to face our competitive feelings directly or to learn to deal with these feelings in a positive way.

So cattiness is a way of expressing jealousy.

Examples:

"You look tired."

"You look well."

"They're not babies for long."

"Miaow."

"Relax!"

"You're looking very smart today."

"Is it your hormones?"

"Must be that time of the month."

"What have you done to your hair?"

"Wow, someone's skirt is riding high today."

"That girl is a tease. Just wait until she breaks his heart."

Gossip also falls under the category of cattiness.

Questions for growth:

How has cattiness shown up in your relationship with other women? 

What's the earliest in your childhood you can remember experiencing cattiness?

3. Exclusion

Whether it is a sorority, club, unofficial girl gang, sports team, or a dancing squad, we've been conditioned to include some sisters and exclude others.

We become so focused on finding those who look and act like us so that we feel a sense of belonging, that we leave out, cut off or dismiss those who are different.

This especially runs rampant in spiritual communities who judge women based on whether or not they are "high vibe enough"!

This creates more division and separation in the world.

Us vs. them.

It can happen in our community as well. Women become attached to the safety they feel in a circle, and play it safe by closing the doors to any outsiders, unwilling to open up to include more women in that sacred space.

Questions for growth:

In the past, did you witness your mother being excluded or excluding other women?

Were you part of a club/sorority growing up that excluded other women? 

In present time, have you excluded other women from your current group of sisters?

4. Contraction

This Sister Wound has two meanings.

1 - We contract or close our hearts instead of expanding into love.

You've been burned, hurt, betrayed. It's hard to keep your heart open. So you keep your guard up and close down your heart. You are weary of other women's intentions. You are afraid of getting hurt again.

There is good reason of course because you've been burned. But in contracting your heart, you don't allow anything to shift. You don't allow other women to show up and contribute to you.

2 - We contract ourselves by playing small and dimming our light in fear of being judged by other women for being too much, or making them feel less than.

We shrink back from standing out because we've experienced the catty remarks and gossip behind another sister's back. We don't want to be too pretty, too smart, too successful in fear of other women's jealousy, wrath or exclusion.

This is a dangerous Sister Wound because it perpetuates women staying in the back of the room and not leaning in.

The truth is: when we shine our light and expand, we give other women permission to do the same.

So let's call it out.

Questions for growth:

Do you have your heart contracted and closed? 

Why? What are you protecting yourself from? 

Do you dim your light and shrink back from shining in fear of other women's reaction?

What reaction are you most afraid of?

5. Judgement

There is a shadow of "spiritually conscious women," making other women wrong for their path.

"You aren't vibe enough."

"I'm more evolved than you are."

This is just one way that judgment shows up for women.

We are constantly judging other women's appearances. Whether or not they look good enough for the men they are with.

We judge others to make ourselves feel better, projecting our own insecurities onto someone else. It perpetuates the Karpman Drama Triangle and keeps us out of presence.

Questions for growth:

Who is a woman you are judging right now? (you can use a fake name for her). 

What are you judging about yourself that you are projecting onto her?

6. Comparison

In the world of social media where everyone can post their perfect vacations, their perfect yoga poses... essentially their perfect life... we find ourselves feeling bad about our situation and comparing our lack of success, whether it is money, relationship, job, health or recognitions.

"She has more than me" ruins our self-esteem, making us feel down and out about life.

We forget that the picture perfect scenes are only a part of the real package. 

We forget that photoshop and filters make everything look better than it actually is.

Questions for growth:

Who are you comparing yourself to? 

Why? 

What are you saying about yourself?

7. Competition

Author, inspirational speaker, and life coach Iyanla Vanzant describes social comparison as an "act of violence against oneself," meaning no personal good will come from jealousy.

So why do we do it?

Competition among women has three unique characteristics:

First, because they have to protect their bodies from physical harm (so as not to interfere with present or future pregnancy and childbirth), women rely on veiled aggression towards other women (behind verbal gymnastics or under cover of the group) rather than physical confrontation.

Second, high status and very attractive women need less help and protection from other women and are less motivated to invest in other women (who represent potential competition). Thus, a woman who ties to distinguish or promote herself threatens other women and will encounter hostility.

Third, in extreme cases women may guard against potential competitors by means of social exclusion. If a new attractive woman shows up in the neighbourhood (or school, or club), all the women in attendance may turn their backs on her, compelling her to withdraw from the scene, thus increasing their own chances with the surrounding males.

It's a habit that we unconsciously take part in to cover up our own insecurities. It's easier to tear another woman down or make her an enemy than to celebrate her strengths, accomplishments, gifts and talents. So let's talk about it.

Question for growth:

Who do you feel in competition with? 

What's her gift? 

What's yours? 

How can you shift that to see this woman as a future collaborator? 

And on the flip side, who is in competition with you?